Aye Aye, Captain

Hello again, a new season, a new start for the greatest cricketing blog in the world, but probably the same old jokes. The blog petered out in the indoor season, a lack of umph. So, first question, how did the Bournemouth Gentlemen Pensioners do in the Indoor League?  Well, a solid mid table finish, which is a distinct improvement from the year before and something to be happy with, we were indeed only 5 points off of third.

 Indoor League Result

OK, it could be pointed out that two of our five wins were because the opponents conceded but that would be a very uncharitable thing to do………

 A new Season, a new challenge........ 

However, now it’s a new summer season and return to ‘proper’ cricket. My teammates of the winter become my enemies of the summer as I return to play for Bournemouth’s largest and most successful club. If anyone wants to tell me that that isn’t Winton you will have to tell me what club you think is bigger and more successful, remember – only clubs based in Bournemouth count…….

 But wait, astounding news!

This year I will be captaining the Winton Development Team! How did I manage to land such an honoured and important roll you ask? Well, at least anyone reading this that does not know how club cricket works may ask this, everyone else will know the drill. But for those of you that don’t, there are a few steps you have to go through to be honoured with the role of captain:

1.       Whoever captained last year says they do not want to do it again

2.       To qualify you must be an adult that can probably pitch up to most games

3.       Express a vague sentiment that you might be willing to consider taking on the captains role

4.       Everyone else that could conceivably do it punches the air in delight that some other mug put their head above the parapet  first

5.       Get texts from these other people congratulating you and promising their ‘full support’

6.       Er, that’s it

Still, being a team captain in cricket is different than most sports. In football for instance, being captain means wearing an armband, shaking hands once and at the toss of a coin deciding which direction you want to kick the ball in the first half. In cricket though, the team captain takes on the role that would be the manager’s job in football, making decisions about tactics and the role of players. In cricket, after the handshake and coin toss, the decision to bat or bowl first is important. Who to bowl and when, where to set the field, all this does materially affect the game. No, not just a figurehead, the captain in a cricket team is more a general, strategically deciding how to use the resources they have to gain victory. Ah, the power, oh, the responsibility.

 

 Napoleon at the Austerlitz Oval Considering Putting in a Gully and Third Slip

As a newbie to all this though, I thought I would do some research and learning. Being in London a few days ago I popped into the British Library which had a copy of the ultra rare book

Lord Softdingles Guide To Perfection In The Art Of Cricket Captaincy As Approved By the MCC

 

 Digging out my pencil (as pens are not allowed in the Library) I took copious notes, which are distilled below. This is the advice from the greatest cricketing minds in history as to what the most important parts of the captains role are.

 

·         Try and get eleven players on the field for each game. You can play with less but this is usually seen to be a sub optimal strategy. This can be difficult as cricket takes a full day at the weekends in the summer. If you are also one of your clubs lower teams, be prepared for other team captains to come and nick your players without so much as a by your leave whenever they feel like it.

·         Make sure all your players have a lift to away games; this is particularly a challenge if your team has a few U18 players.

·         If you have a player performing particularly well, remember to talk them down at every opportunity to the captains of the other teams as if you are not careful they will pounce and nick your best players.  Phrases such as ‘not sure they are ready to step up a level’ and ‘be good for them to keep building confidence before taking on a new challenge’ will come in very handy.

·         You need to keep your players happy with their role in the team. This can be tricky as people are not completely honest about what they want. So a few phrases to look out for and what they actually mean. ‘I’m a bowling all rounder’ – means ‘I want to open the bowling and bat at 4’. ‘I don’t mind where you use me’ – means ‘I want to open the batting and bowl 10 overs through the middle of the innings’.  ‘I’m not very good at cricket’ – means ‘I’m not very good at cricket but know you are desperate’ (see the first point above). Best thing to do with this player, as they have to have a game, don’t bowl them, let them bat at 7 and hope they get out quickly. If this player is you, remember you are the captain so you can open the batting and also bring yourself on to bowl at the opposition tail to pick up a few easy cheap wickets.

·         Remember, you have to make sure the scores are recorded and put online, complete match and pitch reports and fill out other forms. Being a captain basically means you have volunteered to take on loads of unpaid admin work, suck it up sucker!

·         All that nonsense about strategic decision making? Everyone does the same thing so basically copy them. So, if you win the toss bat first unless there is a good reason not to. When in the field, start with your two fastest bowlers, a slip or two and a ring field. During the innings, bring in your other bowlers while gradually dropping more fielders to the boundary. Make sure your two best performing bowlers have a few overs left to bowl at the death.

·         If any fielder takes a catch mutter a bit about how field placement is important to try and claim some credit rather than admit it is luck and coincidence.

I have the distilled wisdom of hundreds of years of cricketing wisdom to guide me. What could possibly go wrong? So, that is me set up for the season, which will be upon us very soon. In the next few days I will be uploading an overview of my teams division and season and a preview of our first game, which is a friendly this weekend – so keep an eye out for them.

Finally a plea, as a new captain I need advice. If anyone has any inspiring phrases that can be used in team talks, on the pitch or to individuals it would be good to hear. Anything that you have heard, said or have had said to you, please share. Any that are truly inspiring, motivational, funny are just complete nonsense I will share with my worldwide audience of thousands………