I Am A Cricketing God!

For the past few weeks I have been attending pre season nets. I enjoy nets before the season starts for two reasons.

The first is that I do find the hour or two in the nets fun. The kinetic feedback you get when you middle a ball is a pleasure in itself; outside any competitive performance you could take pleasure in during a game. Middling a ball feels good. Also, bowling in nets is also good exercise. Not ‘I’m in training to do a marathon’ levels of exercise but you do feel achy and tired by the end of the session and get those physical exercise endorphins kicking off. I always come away from a net session thinking ‘yeah, that was fun’.

The main reason I enjoy nets before the start of the season though is that in the nets, I am fucking awesome at cricket! Completely unstoppable, batting, every ball I middle for a 4, my bowling is full of guile and skill; every other ball would take a wicket. As there are as yet no games being played, I can luxuriate in the unlimited possibilities that the season may bring, safe in the confidence that my performance level at the moment is so high I am considering entering myself in the next IPL draft. OK yes, lurking in the dark recesses of my mind is the knowledge that the fantasy of my cricketing brilliance will shortly meet the brutal inswinging yorker of reality but for a few short weeks I can ignore that and dream.

My cricketing psyche after a successful net session

But for not too much longer though, as the season is nearly upon us. Who will we be playing? Well, the way Hampshire are organising the lower leagues has changed. It used to be large leagues of about 18 with everyone playing each other once. Now they are leagues half the size with everyone playing home and away. The main argument in favour of this is that it means all the teams are closer together geographically so there are shorter journeys to away games; which is good. A down side for me though is that we are no longer playing at some of the more interesting and picturesque grounds in the forest, which is a shame. I do remember reading that the people arguing for this also said that it would mean that we would no longer have to have 2 teams from the same club in the same league as there would be another league very close by so the teams could be split up. So, who will we be playing?

 Hants League Division 6A

This league covers the area from Bournemouth into the south west of the New Forest with a decent mix of teams. Although what is this I notice? Mudeford has two teams in this league? Oh FFS. Not complaining about Mudeford, sure they are lovely guys. But whoever decided who would go in which league, why make this decision? Perhaps they were no other teams close enough and they had to put teams from the same club together? But checking the 6B league, there are two clubs based in Ringwood and another in Ferndown that could be swapped with a Mudeford team and no one would have batted an eyelid. So am slightly annoyed.

Never mind though, who do I think will be chasing promotion? Hard to tell this year really as there are a lot of teams that seems quite similar to us, the clubs 4^th or 5^th team. I am guessing that Mudeford 2s will be a force, as they came close to promotion last year and as they now have a third team the weaker players will be in. Remember playing Suttoners 2s at the end of last season and they seemed pretty decent but who knows? Be interesting to see how it pans out.

But, you ask, how do I see Winton Dev Team doing this year? Well, am setting a target of mid table. Think we have enough in the squad to pick up a decent number of wins. If we are at the top of the table though, this will mean we have some players doing very well and perhaps should be looking to play for a higher ranked team within the club. Remember, the aim of this team is not to get promoted, but to develop individuals so they can play higher up the leagues. If we had a standout season and got promoted this would be a problem as next year we would lose the better players and be in a higher league. So, aiming for a mid table finish it is.

Before we start out on the long hard road of league games, we do have a friendly. This is against Bournemouth 6^th Team. An ideal friendly in many ways for both teams, as they are similar, made up of the ‘to young and to old’ and hoping to develop younger players. This Bournemouth team will be playing in Dorset so we will not meet them in the league – so much the better.

However, it is good to report that the opposition is already running scared. Talking to their captain he said the team was him, a few other dads and a lot of youngsters and he then asked me to go easy on them. It is just a friendly and more about clearing out cobwebs then trying to win, so it will be good to have a relaxed game to get into the swing of things without worrying about a win.

If you are playing in the Winton Development Team or have children that will do so, please ignore the above sentiment. It is the sort of thing that I feel obliged to say. Also, If in any game I talk about ‘don’t worry about the win, just make sure you enjoy yourself’, please be aware that I am just saying that to make myself look relaxed and unbothered and please ignore me completely. So, you ask, what is our aim?  I can answer in one word: it is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no feeling of petty smugness you may get at winning a Hampshire League Division 6 cricket game.

How is the team to be organised? Well, I have asked most people what they feel their strengths are and trying to match their role with that. This is especially true for the youngsters. I will try and make sure they have a regularity of position in the team. So if they are developing as a bat, I aim to keep them in the same batting slot. If they are more a bowler, then make sure they bowl every week, which will of course mean they will bat down the order. The possible problem with this is a lot of youngsters still like to bat and bowl but playing with adults is a big step up, having to learn how to deal with adults. So I want to keep their role in the team consistent so they do not have to worry about changing from week to week. If they want to continue to bat and bowl, that is what age group cricket is for. If they mainly bowl in adult games they can make sure to get to bat in age group cricket (and vice versa).

So, a few net sessions done, feeling confident, squad is sorted, friendly organised to help prepare, good to go. So, what’s the weather forecast for the game tomorrow? Oh, ffs………..

 

 

 

 

Aye Aye, Captain

Hello again, a new season, a new start for the greatest cricketing blog in the world, but probably the same old jokes. The blog petered out in the indoor season, a lack of umph. So, first question, how did the Bournemouth Gentlemen Pensioners do in the Indoor League?  Well, a solid mid table finish, which is a distinct improvement from the year before and something to be happy with, we were indeed only 5 points off of third.

 Indoor League Result

OK, it could be pointed out that two of our five wins were because the opponents conceded but that would be a very uncharitable thing to do………

 A new Season, a new challenge........ 

However, now it’s a new summer season and return to ‘proper’ cricket. My teammates of the winter become my enemies of the summer as I return to play for Bournemouth’s largest and most successful club. If anyone wants to tell me that that isn’t Winton you will have to tell me what club you think is bigger and more successful, remember – only clubs based in Bournemouth count…….

 But wait, astounding news!

This year I will be captaining the Winton Development Team! How did I manage to land such an honoured and important roll you ask? Well, at least anyone reading this that does not know how club cricket works may ask this, everyone else will know the drill. But for those of you that don’t, there are a few steps you have to go through to be honoured with the role of captain:

1.       Whoever captained last year says they do not want to do it again

2.       To qualify you must be an adult that can probably pitch up to most games

3.       Express a vague sentiment that you might be willing to consider taking on the captains role

4.       Everyone else that could conceivably do it punches the air in delight that some other mug put their head above the parapet  first

5.       Get texts from these other people congratulating you and promising their ‘full support’

6.       Er, that’s it

Still, being a team captain in cricket is different than most sports. In football for instance, being captain means wearing an armband, shaking hands once and at the toss of a coin deciding which direction you want to kick the ball in the first half. In cricket though, the team captain takes on the role that would be the manager’s job in football, making decisions about tactics and the role of players. In cricket, after the handshake and coin toss, the decision to bat or bowl first is important. Who to bowl and when, where to set the field, all this does materially affect the game. No, not just a figurehead, the captain in a cricket team is more a general, strategically deciding how to use the resources they have to gain victory. Ah, the power, oh, the responsibility.

 

 Napoleon at the Austerlitz Oval Considering Putting in a Gully and Third Slip

As a newbie to all this though, I thought I would do some research and learning. Being in London a few days ago I popped into the British Library which had a copy of the ultra rare book

Lord Softdingles Guide To Perfection In The Art Of Cricket Captaincy As Approved By the MCC

 

 Digging out my pencil (as pens are not allowed in the Library) I took copious notes, which are distilled below. This is the advice from the greatest cricketing minds in history as to what the most important parts of the captains role are.

 

·         Try and get eleven players on the field for each game. You can play with less but this is usually seen to be a sub optimal strategy. This can be difficult as cricket takes a full day at the weekends in the summer. If you are also one of your clubs lower teams, be prepared for other team captains to come and nick your players without so much as a by your leave whenever they feel like it.

·         Make sure all your players have a lift to away games; this is particularly a challenge if your team has a few U18 players.

·         If you have a player performing particularly well, remember to talk them down at every opportunity to the captains of the other teams as if you are not careful they will pounce and nick your best players.  Phrases such as ‘not sure they are ready to step up a level’ and ‘be good for them to keep building confidence before taking on a new challenge’ will come in very handy.

·         You need to keep your players happy with their role in the team. This can be tricky as people are not completely honest about what they want. So a few phrases to look out for and what they actually mean. ‘I’m a bowling all rounder’ – means ‘I want to open the bowling and bat at 4’. ‘I don’t mind where you use me’ – means ‘I want to open the batting and bowl 10 overs through the middle of the innings’.  ‘I’m not very good at cricket’ – means ‘I’m not very good at cricket but know you are desperate’ (see the first point above). Best thing to do with this player, as they have to have a game, don’t bowl them, let them bat at 7 and hope they get out quickly. If this player is you, remember you are the captain so you can open the batting and also bring yourself on to bowl at the opposition tail to pick up a few easy cheap wickets.

·         Remember, you have to make sure the scores are recorded and put online, complete match and pitch reports and fill out other forms. Being a captain basically means you have volunteered to take on loads of unpaid admin work, suck it up sucker!

·         All that nonsense about strategic decision making? Everyone does the same thing so basically copy them. So, if you win the toss bat first unless there is a good reason not to. When in the field, start with your two fastest bowlers, a slip or two and a ring field. During the innings, bring in your other bowlers while gradually dropping more fielders to the boundary. Make sure your two best performing bowlers have a few overs left to bowl at the death.

·         If any fielder takes a catch mutter a bit about how field placement is important to try and claim some credit rather than admit it is luck and coincidence.

I have the distilled wisdom of hundreds of years of cricketing wisdom to guide me. What could possibly go wrong? So, that is me set up for the season, which will be upon us very soon. In the next few days I will be uploading an overview of my teams division and season and a preview of our first game, which is a friendly this weekend – so keep an eye out for them.

Finally a plea, as a new captain I need advice. If anyone has any inspiring phrases that can be used in team talks, on the pitch or to individuals it would be good to hear. Anything that you have heard, said or have had said to you, please share. Any that are truly inspiring, motivational, funny are just complete nonsense I will share with my worldwide audience of thousands………